Perfectionism: my disease?

This is what prompted me to blog. Ever since I saw it yesterday I've had a nagging feeling I needed to write.


This is true in so many ways, and as I put on my Facebook, it should read more like "All of us can't look good, it's the humans or the house." In my perfectionism I have to make sure people realize my family is part of me, and how they look and act seems to be a reflection on my abilities as a wife and mother.
I've been a perfectionist my whole life. Jer's been working with me since we got married, however, to make allowances for myself for not being 'perfect enough', or striving so much for perfection that it causes me ridiculous stress, especially when things aren't 'just so'. Learning to be ok when I don't have control has been difficult, especially with our unexplained infertility. I don't have what I expected for a 'perfect family' or a 'perfectly working body', but it has to be ok because I have no control over it.
Back to the meme... the looking good encompasses so many things in my mind, this isn't about me being superficial. Laundry done: to have clean clothes to look presentable. Dishes done: so we can eat food to stay healthy and strong. Exercise: to be healthy for my family and attractive for my husband. Clean(ish) bathrooms: so we can get clean and ready for the day in a clean setting. Weeded front yard: so we have a presentable looking house, even if it is just on the surface. Clean(ish) kitchen: so we can have a clean place to get our food. Doing all of these things takes time and energy, some things (maybe a lot) fall to the wayside on occasion.
The clutter and the crumbs, the sticky spots and the piles of toys mean someone lives here and has a busy life. It has to. If I were my friend I'd give allowances for her not having the 'perfect house' because both parents work and there's a busy 3 year old living there. If it were spic and span (where did that phrase even come from?) all the time then I'd be impressed, but think to myself 'how is that even possible? This can't be normal or healthy'.
I'm doing the best I can, but I'm extremely hard on myself. I don't have dinner ready every night for my family, I don't have a spic and span house, I don't have the energy to go on adventures every day with my daughter. BUT (this is something Jer keeps pounding into my head) I work (and get tired easily, as well as having a weaker immune system), we have a 3 year old (who is a master mess maker and can't clean too many things yet), Jer is in school (and as many people know, the king of creating clutter and piles of stuff). I HAVE to give myself allowances.

But then, my perfectionism starts in on me (in a nasty tone, of course)... '"Your house should be cleaner, you don't have as many kids as everyone else, you don't work as much as some people. You should have dinner ready every night, why can't you even do that-it's not THAT hard. You should take your daughter out to do something almost every day, you're being a lame, bad parent for not. You should have the backyard perfect as well as the front yard, just because you have weak wrists doesn't mean you can't take care of it. Jer works too, why can't you get EVERYTHING done ALL the time, you're home anyway." I could continue, but you get the point.
It's mean, right? I look at that and think 'I would NEVER talk (or think those things) to anyone else like that, why am I so rude and judgmental to myself?'
So, every day, I struggle. Some days the perfectionism wins and I feel awful, and some days being nice to myself and making allowances wins. I'm not perfect, and that's ok.

Liebster Award

I was nominated for a Liebster Award by my friend Katie, who crazily enough, I've known since we were about 12!
Anyway, Liebster is German for "favorite", and I'm a little surprised that I got it, especially considering I don't blog very often!
Along with the Award are some tasks:
1. Post 11 random things about myself.
2. Answer the 11 questions my nominator set for me.
I'm supposed to do 3-5(below) as well, but I'm still sick and have a bit of a fuzzy brain, so I'm skipping this part. If you read this and want to do it, then go ahead and consider yourself nominated, you should be awarded with something just for the fact that you still read my blog in the first place.
3. Create 11 questions for my nominees.
4. Nominate 11 other bloggers with fewer than 200 followers (no tag-backs).
5. Go to each of their blogs to tell them about their nominations.

So here are my Random Facts:
1. How old were you when you got your first kiss, or alternatively, how old were you when you first thought you were "in love" with someone?
My first kiss was when I was 16. He went and asked my friend to Prom right after, nice guy, huh?

2. What is your favorite color for a front door?
I've never really thought about this, but I really like red doors when I see them (as long as they match the house they're attached to).

3. What song are you slightly embarrassed to admit you love?
Hmm... "Butterfly" by CrazyTown. I used to love that song. Now that I'm older I realize how...not so good it is.

4. If you could do anything you wanted for a day, what would that be?
Eat chocolate and sleep.

5. What fictional character are you in love with?
Will Tippen (Bradley Cooper's character) from "Alias" (I've been watching it on Netflix lately).

6. With whom are you most likely to argue... and least likely to argue?
Most likely to argue with Ella (which is ridiculous, I know). Least likely to argue with my mom, we've always gotten along really well.

7. What is your favorite holiday, and why?
Independence Day. I love the parties that are associated with it, the weather is nice, everyone's in a good mood because it's summer, the fireworks are fun (unless it's a week night and the neighbors are setting them off at midnight), and we're celebrating our country's history and freedom!

8. What is your favorite thing you have created yourself?
I'd say Ella, but I wasn't the only one that had something to do with that...
I really like some of the decor crafts I've done at Super Saturday. I really love a picture of the Mt. Timponogos Temple that I made a frame for. Also, I really love the baked goods I make that turn out really tasty :)

9. What was your favorite toy as a child?
I'm not sure, but I think it was the sit'n'spin. I wish I had an adult-sized one.

10. What is something that you'd like to improve?
Patience. My health. Being a more fun mom.

11. What act of service might you perform for a total stranger?
Hold a door open, give a compliment, pick up an unnoticed dropped item.

The wave

I've been debating if I should write about this or not. I don't want to come off ungrateful, rude, insensitive, too sensitive, whiney, etc. but this has been weighing on me and I'm hoping writing about it will get it out of my head. And besides, it's not like that many people actually read my blog.

The wave is upon us. The wave of pregnancy announcements, that is. They're all around me. Friends, family, neighbors, acquaintances. Everywhere I look someone is announcing a new baby. It's very exciting, I'm truly happy for them (ok, most of them). But it's also very depressing. People are on their 2nd pregnancies since I had Ella. Yes, SECOND pregnancy and she's almost 3. I'm jealous. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I'm trying to stay brave and count my blessings. I'm so incredibly grateful for Ella, don't get me wrong, but she's at the point where she needs a sibling, and I'm feeling like someone is missing from my heart.
I know there are so many others that don't have what I have, I hurt for them as well, and it makes me feel bad, almost greedy, to want another baby so badly when they are working so hard just to have one. I know how that feels, I was there once.
There's not much anyone can do to help me. The announcements just sting, especially when it's from people 'close' to you and you aren't given the courtesy of a heads-up, instead you're blind-sided by the news from someone who should have had the decency and known to let you know so the public announcement wouldn't hurt as much. Strangely when those courtesy heads-up notes are given, the announcement doesn't hurt as much, or at all.
Now, I don't mean for people to start walking on eggshells around me, but here's a tip: if you're pregnant and have a close friend who is having infertility problems (even if they pretend to be ok), PLEASE give them the courtesy of a heads-up before you make your big announcement on Facebook, in a public gathering, or wherever. It might be hard, but it could save your relationship and gain you respect for doing so.
Obviously this is a hot topic for me. I've had a bad couple of weeks. On top of finding out I'm still not pregnant after my pills gave me all the symptoms, I'm waiting to find out if I have glaucoma. I'm trying not to worry about that, but it scares me to think I may have to be on meds the rest of my life so I don't go blind.

Well, now that's out in the open hopefully I'll feel a little lighter. And hopefully I haven't offended anyone, I'm not especially good with the whole 'written-word' thing.

Pinterest & Breakfast

I've decided to start documenting the things I've tried from Pinterest. There will be some entries that won't have pics because I don't always take shots of everything I do :/
FYI-The title of each thing I try will be linked to the site with the recipe.

I'll start with Apple Breakfast Rings
I didn't make them with the recipe shown, I just used the idea and went from there. We loved them. I accidentally cooked them without the cinnamon, but they were really yummy without it (and awesome with). The apples don't get completely cooked through, just a little tender. I made a basic pancake batter, cut up 1 apple for the 'test' and made regular pancakes with the remaining batter. Mine ended up looking more pancake-y than the ones on the website, too.
I will be making these again, I suggest you try them out as well!

Next up:
Chocolate Swirl Biscuits
I made these with my little helper, they took much longer than expected but were still tasty. I had to keep reminding myself they were BISCUITS, therefore flaky and not very sweet. I baked them for the shortest time given, but I think I'd take a minute or two off of that as they seemed a bit too crunchy. Also, chopping chocolate takes awhile, and it gets a little messy, so be prepared for that if you want to try this recipe out.

I hope this was helpful, let me know if you have questions or suggestions, etc!

'THAT' question

You know, the one the comes up after this,
"How old is your daughter now?" says a random person
"Over 2 now" we answer.
Then comes 'THAT' question...
"When are you going to have another one?"

I have to add here that since we moved 2 years ago, most people don't know everything we went through to get Ella. I can't be offended by people being curious, unless it's coming from someone who DOES know better (which, of course, HAS happened).

Back to the 'conversation'...
Our answer, every time (without even talking about it with each other) is:
"Whenever Heavenly Father sends one down".
It's not up to us, never really has been. We're doing what we can, talked to the Dr., I'm taking the pills I need to when I need to. We'll get our next baby when we're supposed to, I/we have faith in that.

So, if you're one of the curious people out there, now you have your answer and we'll all be in limbo for a bit together.

Cruise 2012!

Our cruise was only over a month ago, I'm not THAT behind, right ?;) At the end of Feb. we dropped Ella off with my parents (who had her for half the time, then passed her on to Jer's parents, she was spoiled while we were gone, and the grandparents had withdrawals when we came back!) and drove to Cali with some friends to cruise on the Carnival Splendor. We had an AWESOME time! But I missed my girl. I looked at pictures and video of her to get my "Ella fix" for the day. We had a day at sea, 2 days in Cabo, 1 day in Puerto Vallarta, and 2 more days at sea. I wouldn't recommend days at sea unless you're in a group that can entertain you!

We didn't spend ALL our time with them, but those days at sea were so much more fun than I expected. In Cabo we spent our days shopping and lounging on the beaches

A little love on Lover's Beach

How do you like my Henna tattoo?

Such a weird name for a jewelry store! In Puerto Vallarta we found a tour guide, Oscar, who took us for the entire day and drove us to the Eden Canopy Tour It's where the movie "Predator" was filmed (not that I've seen it). It's gorgeous there, and zip-lining across the valley between the mountains was amazing! Jer and I are both afraid of heights, but this was so much fun and the rain forest below was gorgeous. We recommend Puerto Vallarta if you're ever down there. We wished the cruise would have been there for 2 days and only 1 day in Cabo. It's such a beautiful town, very clean and organized, and the sellers aren't pushy like they are in Cabo. We joked with our friends that we should buy a little vacation house down there.

Formal nights were fun too. I don't have the chance to get all dressed up and fancy very often (not that I'm very fancy here), but since the cruise was a week long, we got to dress up twice!

Since my birthday was right before we went on the cruise, they surprised me with (another) dessert and sang to me!

Can't forget about our super nice waiter Marion, from our talks, that job wouldn't be very easy if you got a bunch of jerks that you had to deal with every single night, eek!

Ella had another birthday!

I'm so behind in posting anything that's been going on, but I thought I'd start with Ella's birthday! She turned 2 on March 26th! We didn't do anything big (like last year). We just had the grandparents over for cake and presents and Ella seemed to be fine with that. She was so cute and confused when we sang to her, I just LOVE this girl! I have video of it, but I can't figure out how to load it :( She knows the letter's sounds, she counts with me sometimes, she loves to jump on the bed and climb on and off the toilet. She's got major attitude and throws a couple of tantrums a day. She talks a ton and loves to be my little helper (even though what she does usually isn't exactly helpful). She knows I like to cuddle, so she's become the little manipulator with that. At bed time when we're trying to put her in her crib, she'll start saying "no, I wanna cuddle with mommy on couch, cuddle mommy on couch". It's hard to say no to her, but we do most of the time. It's also super adorable when she says, "hold you? hold you?" makes me feel so loved. She gives wonderful big hugs with her cute little arms. She likes butterfly, Eskimo, and fishy kisses. She likes to take my drinks as her own, then share sips with me :) I don't know what I'd do without her in my life!

As you can see, she enjoyed her birthday cupcakes, and made sure to lick the ones she wasn't holding so no one else would eat them! She got some great gifts this year too: From her Auntie RaKell she got a cute swimsuit and cover up, some fun books, butterfly stuff, and bubble stuff. It's been so windy we haven't been able to play with the bubbles, but she keeps reminding me about them every day! From her Keller grandparents she got a hand-made apron (in the picture) and some fleece hand-made squishy balls (my mom is so talented!) From her Thorne grandparents she got a magna-doodle (I think that's what it's called), a cute little dress, and some comb-looking blocks. From us she got an activity table (in the picture), some jammies, and some Sesame Street books (she's a big fan of Elmo all of a sudden). Happy Birthday little girl, but please stop growing up so fast!!

I'm sorry for the weird alignment of my posts, I write them one way, but they publish all together. Not sure how to fix that :/