Monday, December 17, 2012

The wave

I've been debating if I should write about this or not. I don't want to come off ungrateful, rude, insensitive, too sensitive, whiney, etc. but this has been weighing on me and I'm hoping writing about it will get it out of my head. And besides, it's not like that many people actually read my blog.

The wave is upon us. The wave of pregnancy announcements, that is. They're all around me. Friends, family, neighbors, acquaintances. Everywhere I look someone is announcing a new baby. It's very exciting, I'm truly happy for them (ok, most of them). But it's also very depressing. People are on their 2nd pregnancies since I had Ella. Yes, SECOND pregnancy and she's almost 3. I'm jealous. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I'm trying to stay brave and count my blessings. I'm so incredibly grateful for Ella, don't get me wrong, but she's at the point where she needs a sibling, and I'm feeling like someone is missing from my heart.
I know there are so many others that don't have what I have, I hurt for them as well, and it makes me feel bad, almost greedy, to want another baby so badly when they are working so hard just to have one. I know how that feels, I was there once.
There's not much anyone can do to help me. The announcements just sting, especially when it's from people 'close' to you and you aren't given the courtesy of a heads-up, instead you're blind-sided by the news from someone who should have had the decency and known to let you know so the public announcement wouldn't hurt as much. Strangely when those courtesy heads-up notes are given, the announcement doesn't hurt as much, or at all.
Now, I don't mean for people to start walking on eggshells around me, but here's a tip: if you're pregnant and have a close friend who is having infertility problems (even if they pretend to be ok), PLEASE give them the courtesy of a heads-up before you make your big announcement on Facebook, in a public gathering, or wherever. It might be hard, but it could save your relationship and gain you respect for doing so.
Obviously this is a hot topic for me. I've had a bad couple of weeks. On top of finding out I'm still not pregnant after my pills gave me all the symptoms, I'm waiting to find out if I have glaucoma. I'm trying not to worry about that, but it scares me to think I may have to be on meds the rest of my life so I don't go blind.

Well, now that's out in the open hopefully I'll feel a little lighter. And hopefully I haven't offended anyone, I'm not especially good with the whole 'written-word' thing.


Anonymous said...

Julianna, I know what you are talking about. Somewhat talking about. I know I had three children already and having a stillborn was hard. People kept telling me to be grateful for what I have but they don't understand that giving birth to a baby that was still. It hurt REALLY BAD. When we decided to have another one, it took us 14 months to get pregnant with a baby we are actually going to keep. It did hurt tremendously when people told me that they were having a baby when I was still supposed to be pregnant with Brooklynne and then months to follow when we were trying for another baby. I know how it feels to see everyone having a baby and desperatly wanting one your self. I felt the same way, I felt selfish because I was only thinking of me wanting a baby. I say it is okay to be selfish and I think people do need to be a little respectful of how they announce it especially the ones that know what you are going through. Sorry this is so long but my story is long. I hope this help to let you know I have been there and I think that your feelings are important. I hope I helped.

Kateka said...

I think you writing this just shows that you're strong enough to set boundaries for yourself which is very important to maintain any sort of sanity when THE WAVE hits. :) Good luck, darling. I hear you.

Kimberlyn said...

Oh Jules,
I think you are so strong to write this! You brought tears to my eyes. I've been feeling lots of emotions lately with this same subject. It's even harder when they are all now finding out the sex's of their babies, and I should have been too.
Hopefully you don't have glaucoma, and hopefully that spirit that is in your heart will be part of your family here on earth soon. Stay strong.

Katie Fuller said...

Jules, I can only imagine what you are going through. Last night, I was at a baby shower, and truly, almost every guest was pregnant. I thought of my friends who like you, wish desperately for that little bundle and it seemed so unfair. I hope I have not been a cause of any upset feelings for you. Though infertility has not been my struggle, I have tried to be sensitive to it as many many people I love and care about have dealt with it and are still dealing with it. I wish it were easier to see the end from the beginning and to know that it will all work out in the end, but I guess that sort of eliminates faith and prayer and the strength that comes from struggling. If Ella ever wants another crazy kiddo to play with, I'd be happy to share mine... though I don't think she's figured out the whole concept of playing with others yet... Mostly she pulls hair and pokes eyes. I hope everything will work out well for you, and I'm sorry things have been sad and stressful.