Saturday, March 1, 2014

Faith and Fear

Being a stay at home mom has always been my dream. But when we figured out a way for me to become that, I was scared.
Given our history with jobs, I think it was only natural for it to be a scary idea. The fact is that I was with the same company for 10 years, longer than we've been married. Then I changed jobs (which was another scary thing) and it looked like I could be there for quite awhile too, I got a raise at my 3 month review and I enjoyed what I did and my co-workers. I was afraid I'd have to work forever, though, because of the stability and safety net I felt in doing so. There was a lot of praying to know what the right thing to do was. The answer has always been that I need to be home.
On the other hand, Jer's job history hasn't been as stable. Now, this isn't a reflection of what kind of employee he is, it's due to different circumstances where he's been employed. He was laid off when I was 6 months pregnant with Ella, but had what we thought was a bright future at his job of 2 1/2 years, which is what made me a little more comfortable with quitting my job. But he was laid off again right after I gave my 2 weeks notice and was 7 months pregnant with Lyla. Maybe me quitting wasn't a good idea, we needed that safety net. I grudgingly took back my 2 weeks notice, heartbroken that my dream had been taken away and I wouldn't be able to be home with my girls. But then Jer was offered a job a week after he'd been laid off, maybe me quitting would work out after all. More praying, same answer as before. I nervously submitted my notice again, afraid that there wouldn't be a safety net if Jer was laid off again. But really? How could he get laid off again, hadn't that happened enough already?
Not even a week after we had Lyla, he was laid off again (his new job set him up for failure and even admitted to their fault). My biggest fear of not having a job as a safety net had come true. Talk about stress. My first thought (after "You have to be kidding me, not again") was "I just had a c-section, I can't go looking for a job".
Currently I'm just trying to live on faith. We've been blessed quite a bit in the last few months, but things are still scary.
Jer has a possible amazing prospect, but that's a waiting game. Until things get figured out we're surviving. And I'm trying not to think too much. I'm trying to rely on my faith. We're doing what we're supposed to (even if it may not make a ton of sense right now). Things will work out, they always do, it's just getting there that's hard.


Elisa said...

Congratulations on your sweet little baby Lyla! I will pray for you, and keep my ears open for opportunities. You are a good example of having faith through trials. I know it's hard. We'll be thinking of you.

beth said...

We just went through that - Joe was unemployed for 2 months right after we just had a baby. We were lucky that we were already living at my parents house while we were looking for a new one. But we still needed help. Don't be afraid to use WIC and government assistance, that is really what they are there for!
Our bishop also told us to not be shy about letting people know you are looking for work because connections are almost always the ways you find the best jobs. "It's not what you know, it's who you know." :)
It's really hard, but I can tell you from my experience that you are doing the right thing by following your answers to prayers and you will be blessed for it! :)