Awkward

Sometimes I feel like I'm the most awkward person I know. Seriously. I think this contributes to my social anxiety/fear/distrust of people. But I realized something recently when talking to some of my cousins (who also think they are awkward), and if I keep it in mind it might help me (and possibly you) in the future. Or maybe you already knew? Shame on you for not sharing! jk
I think everyone feels a certain level of awkwardness. Even the people you think have it all together and make their life look like it's perfect and running smoothly and they know what they're doing. Yes, even them, they have an awkward side too. The sooner we all realize that we're all a little awkward, maybe we'll be less afraid to talk to each other and connect.
But this doesn't fix dealing with the 'mean' people or the people who just don't like being in social situations for the most part (I'm looking at my husband on that one). That will likely always be awkward or uncomfortable.
And what about the people who you thought were your friends but apparently you just took up time till something better came along for them? Well they were just a phase in your life. There might always be some awkwardness there. It's situations like this that make me extra wary of people. It takes a lot for me to warm up and trust someone. I had a BIG wall up when I met my husband, he was patient and broke it down :) But if I come off as cold or unfriendly, I don't mean to. I'm just wary and afraid of being hurt yet again.

And I'm awkward and afraid of embarrassing myself.

Now here's a picture of my 'awkward' cousins and me showing off our weird elbows in an awkward picture:

Dear you,

This has been swirling in my head for quite some time. I haven't known quite how to put it into words, so bear with me.

Dear infertility battler,
Believe it or not, I know the feelings you're having when you see all the bellies at the store and when you're out and about. I know the pain it causes, I know the jealousy it incites, I know the feeling of despair and hurt and 'why can't that be me' it brings on. I know how your eyes sting with tears, your heart aches and your throat tightens. I've been in your shoes, even if not in your exact way. Even though it doesn't look like it at all from what my life is now. I know the feeling of guilt for being angry at total strangers for something they have no control over.

When I've been pregnant, I'm always self-conscious. Not because of what you'd think though. It's because I'm aware that everywhere I go, there will most likely be someone who is hurt by my presence. I hate knowing that I cause that hurt. I have been on that side of things. I know I can't control other's reactions, but I know when you're suffering with infertility, it's hard not to have certain reactions to pregnant people.

Which leads to this...

Dear pregnant lady,
It's great that you're pregnant. Congratulations! Really. I hope you realize what a gift you have growing inside of you. I hope you know how many people pray for and spend thousands upon thousands of dollars to get what you have. I hope you won't publicly complain too much about cankles and getting fat. I hope I didn't scare you with my frustrated gaze. It's just that I've wished for what you have for such a long time. I'm working on my reaction, but it's painful to see something I've been working and praying for on so many other women.

Since having infertility, I am hyper-aware of people around me. I don't know their stories or what they've been through. I try not to be jealous of pregnant women in situations when we've been trying for over a year to get what they have. After all, I don't know their story, maybe they're growing a little miracle themselves or maybe it's a surprise baby #7. It shouldn't matter though, all babies are special and miracles and something to be celebrated. I know when I am pregnant I'm even more aware of those around me. I'm aware that my appearance can be hurtful, so much so that I almost feel guilty for my miracle, even though I shouldn't. I try extra hard not to complain and extra hard not to sound boastful. But all that care makes it hard to be very celebratory when I have every right to do so.

I'm not quite sure how/where I fit in the infertility community now. I will struggle with infertility for as long as I'm in my child-bearing years, but because I have 2 children now I don't exactly fit that mold. I guess maybe I've graduated from it, but I'll still be a visiting alumnus when we try for another?

I'm not sure what good this post will do, but I felt like I needed to write it. So there it is.
*Also, we're not making an announcement, this is just my viewpoint from those different times in my life.

Faith and Fear

Being a stay at home mom has always been my dream. But when we figured out a way for me to become that, I was scared.
Given our history with jobs, I think it was only natural for it to be a scary idea. The fact is that I was with the same company for 10 years, longer than we've been married. Then I changed jobs (which was another scary thing) and it looked like I could be there for quite awhile too, I got a raise at my 3 month review and I enjoyed what I did and my co-workers. I was afraid I'd have to work forever, though, because of the stability and safety net I felt in doing so. There was a lot of praying to know what the right thing to do was. The answer has always been that I need to be home.
On the other hand, Jer's job history hasn't been as stable. Now, this isn't a reflection of what kind of employee he is, it's due to different circumstances where he's been employed. He was laid off when I was 6 months pregnant with Ella, but had what we thought was a bright future at his job of 2 1/2 years, which is what made me a little more comfortable with quitting my job. But he was laid off again right after I gave my 2 weeks notice and was 7 months pregnant with Lyla. Maybe me quitting wasn't a good idea, we needed that safety net. I grudgingly took back my 2 weeks notice, heartbroken that my dream had been taken away and I wouldn't be able to be home with my girls. But then Jer was offered a job a week after he'd been laid off, maybe me quitting would work out after all. More praying, same answer as before. I nervously submitted my notice again, afraid that there wouldn't be a safety net if Jer was laid off again. But really? How could he get laid off again, hadn't that happened enough already?
Nope.
Not even a week after we had Lyla, he was laid off again (his new job set him up for failure and even admitted to their fault). My biggest fear of not having a job as a safety net had come true. Talk about stress. My first thought (after "You have to be kidding me, not again") was "I just had a c-section, I can't go looking for a job".
Currently I'm just trying to live on faith. We've been blessed quite a bit in the last few months, but things are still scary.
Jer has a possible amazing prospect, but that's a waiting game. Until things get figured out we're surviving. And I'm trying not to think too much. I'm trying to rely on my faith. We're doing what we're supposed to (even if it may not make a ton of sense right now). Things will work out, they always do, it's just getting there that's hard.

The newest member of our family

I haven't gotten around to loading the pictures from the 'fancy camera', so there won't be many hospital shots, but I thought I'd at least get my thoughts out while they were somewhat fresh about the birth.

When I found out at my 38 week check up that the baby had turned into breech position, I got REALLY nervous. I was worried about her cord choking her, I was afraid she wouldn't turn back and I'd have to have a c-section, I was afraid no matter what happened, things wouldn't end up well. I was a little bit of a basket-case (again).

Since having a breech birth is against the law at my hospital, and against the malpractice insurance my Dr. has, there was no way we'd go that route. Even if it wasn't against the law, I'm fairly CERTAIN I couldn't have delivered her vaginally from my history. Our first baby had a larger than normal head, if that was going to be the case with this baby, it would make for an even more dangerous delivery, something I wasn't willing to risk.

I went in to the hospital just before I was 39 weeks to try an External Cephalic Version (ECV), basically externally turning the baby. After lots of painful attempts to turn her or twist her or push her, she wouldn't budge. But she could still turn on her own.

So we prayed, I got a blessing from my husband, and I freaked out even more. I tried talking to her about moving, I tried taking warm baths and putting frozen peas on my stomach where her head was (to hopefully get her to move to a warmer spot), I tried inverting my super pregnant self. The only thing that seemed to get her to budge a little was the bath. I could tell she was trying to move but something was keeping her from getting to where she needed to be. I'd done what I could, whatever was going to happen was out of my hands.

I got a blessing from my dad and Jer and I felt some peace that things would end up going the way they were supposed to to get our sweet baby here, whatever way that may be.

39 1/2 weeks I had my final maternity appointment. It was the moment of truth, either she'd turned on her own and we were waiting for labor to start, or she hadn't turned yet and we'd make an appointment for a c-section.
Most of you know which it was. We scheduled the c-section for the next day, 2 days before my due date. I didn't want a c-section, but I was at peace with it, I knew it was what needed to happen.

Feb. 5 at 10 a.m. we went to the hospital to get checked in and prepped. At 12 I was in the O.R. just getting the prep finished up. I was nervous, but calm at the same time. Scared for myself, but excited to finally meet our baby. I'm guessing Jer was feeling pretty similar.
I was scared about having surgery while awake, I was scared that I'd be one of the minority who had complications during surgery. Or even worse,something would happen to the baby.

Luckily, I have the BEST Dr. (even the nurses all say so) and everything went fine. Our baby was 'born' at 12:22 p.m, 6 lbs. 10 oz, 20.5 inches long. Jer didn't want to watch any of it, but he said it was like a car wreck, he just couldn't look away. He glanced toward the incision, then back at me all excited, "There's a foot!". She took a little extra to get out because she was pretty tangled up. Her legs were crossed and her arms were wrapped to her upper body/head with her umbilical cord. I didn't see any of this, it's just what they told me. Yet another reason having her breech was out of the question. Thankfully I'd had blessings which gave me the comfort and peace I needed to trust things would go well.

Obviously I'm still recovering, it's only been a few days, but I'm so happy to have our sweet baby here safe and sound. And even though she's pretty much perfect in every way, they did detect a slight irregularity in her heart beat, so I'll be taking her to a cardiologist to make sure it's nothing serious. The Drs and nurses at the hospital said she'll probably grow out of it in a couple of months, but it's better to be 100% sure. We'll also need to take her in for an ultrasound of her hips because of being in breech position so late in the pregnancy, that can sometimes cause problems with the joints.

I'm so in love with my little family, I couldn't feel more blessed. Thank you so much to everyone for the love, support and prayers; they were felt.

Oh yeah, and apparently our girls are just twins born a few years apart :)

Christmas Card/Letter

This is to serve as our Christmas Card/Letter, which we've never done before (at least not that I remember).

MERRY CHRISTMAS! We hope you've all had a wonderful year and that 2014 brings wonderful things!

Here's a little about what 2013 had in store for us.

Ella started dance in January and loved it.
She also turned 3 in March. She got to go to Lake Powell for her first time this summer and didn't want to leave.

In the fall she started pre-school and she's loved that as well (even though she never wants to go). She recognizes her letters and will spell things out that she sees (like STOP signs). She also took a dance/tumbling class this past fall and really enjoyed that as well, though we won't be continuing dance for awhile, especially while we're adjusting to life with a new member of the family.
She loves being on stage and has performed 4 times so far. Also, she can't wait to be a big sister!

Jer has been busy with starting his own comedy website featuring clean comedians (Funnyandclean.net), managing some other blogs on a volunteer basis, going to school, working, taking care of Ella/me/the house, and being in the Elder's Quorum Presidency. He's lucky to have figured out what he wants to do for a career. He loves it so much that he does it in his spare time. He had a promising future at his work, but was suddenly laid off at the beginning of Dec. We were incredibly blessed to have a lot of people praying for us, suggesting places to apply to, and offering words of support. He was able to find a job within a week of being laid off!

I have had a fairly crazy year myself. After trying for over a year and a half, we found out I was pregnant at the end of May and found out it was another GIRL in Sept! We can't wait to meet her around Feb. 7, 2014. I sprained my back when I was a little over 3 months pregnant, so I have to be extra careful with how I move and what I lift, etc. I get to take Ella to dance and preschool; it's so fun to get to talk to her about what she's learned, or watch a new dance step she figured out. Things with my in-home job started getting more and more frustrating, so I began looking for a different job. I was lucky to find something close to home that had hours that worked for our family's schedule. I've really enjoyed the change, but it's also been very hard to leave home, and it's been really rough on Ella having me leave. Luckily that's coming to an end this week. After putting in my 2 weeks notice, Jer was laid off so I took back my notice. After Jer got his new job, we felt that I should re-submit my notice, so I did. I'm excited and nervous about my new life as a stay-at-home mom. I'm relieved that I won't have to leave my girl(s) to work anymore, and I'm really hoping I'll be able to get my house in order (although maybe not for awhile since I can't bend).

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Changes!?!

Big changes are happening around here.
As in body changes and work changes and school changes.

First of all, most people know I'm pregnant again, YAY! 13 weeks now, to be exact. Due Feb. 7.
Let me dive into this a little bit for a minute.
Many of you know that we've had infertility issues. We had surgeries and early miscarriages and testing and waiting and frustration before we got our miracle, Ella. This time around was a little simpler. We didn't have to do any testing, I didn't need any surgeries, and luckily we didn't experience any more early miscarriages (that we know of), but we did have to wait. It took a little over a year and a half. I know that's nothing compared to a lot of couples in our shoes. I know we're extremely blessed, I FEEL extremely blessed. But the waiting game is hard. It's made more frustrating when you're on progesterone which gives you pregnant-like symptoms too (which I was on for Ella and this baby). Every month I had to ignore what I was feeling because I knew it wasn't real, even though I hoped it was.
The week leading up to finding out I was pregnant, I felt at peace with Ella being an only child. I've never wanted just one child, I've never thought I'd have an only child, but I was feeling ok with that prospect for the first time in my life. Then I got the positive. I was shocked. And happy. And scared to death that I'd have another early miscarriage.
So far I've seen the baby twice and heard it once. Everything looks good! We find out the gender Sept. 19th, I can't wait.

Ella's excited about being a big sister, she talks about how she'll feed the baby and play with the baby and teach the baby...she's going to be such a wonderful big sister. There will be nearly 4 years between them. She's pretty sure the baby is a girl, but any time we suggest it could be a boy she can't seem to fathom that possibility. We'll see.

Secondly, work changes. For me, Julianna. I've been at the same company for over 10 years. 10 YEARS! It's a little crazy to think I've been there that long. At first, the idea of getting a different job scared me to death. I'm so comfortable working from home, I've been doing it for 5 years. I don't want to leave Ella (and the baby in the future). Applying and going to a job interview was a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing, I didn't think much would come of it. But I was hired, on the spot. I was so nervous and scared and worried I cried when I got home just thinking about leaving Ella (and the baby). I blame the hormones. I'm more comfortable and excited about the change now that it's sunk in though. And thinking about the reasons I applied in the first place make me happy to leave my current job (reliable work hours, reliable pay, no mandatory overtime, etc). It will be hard to leave Ella, but she'll be in good hands (her grandma's and one of our neighbor's). She'll get more attention while I'm working away from home than she has while I've been working at home, which is really sad to say.
So, my last day is tomorrow. I'm a little giddy. My first day is Wed, Aug. 7. I'll be working in the afternoon-evenings part-time. We're hoping that this won't be for very long though, the ultimate goal is for me to truly be a stay-at-home mom, but until then we do what we've gotta do. Wish me luck!

Third, school. Jer is still going to UVU, but I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about Ella! She's going to be starting preschool this month! I'm so excited for her and she's pretty excited too! It's a preschool in our neighborhood and she'll go for 2 hrs. two days a week. I think she's going to love being with other kids her age and learning fun, new things. She's also going to be starting back up in a jazz/tumbling dance class, so she's got a busy schedule coming up. Luckily all her stuff is in the morning so I can take her and spend time with her afterward talking about what she learned and all that good stuff.


We hope you're all having a great summer!

Reflections...What if

'What if' usually gets people into trouble. 'What if' can bring up painful memories. But, 'what if' can also remind you where you came from.

I was pondering a 'what if' recently. About 6 years ago I had my first uterine surgery. My world was completely upside down and whirling around me full of things I didn't expect. I was going on a journey I had NEVER expected to go on, one that will be continuous probably beyond my child-bearing years. One that has been ... difficult in many ways. My mom told me one time on the phone (when I called her upset and crying about how unfair everything was), that maybe I was going through this to help others. I was hurt and offended. Maybe I don't want to help others with this, how unfair for ME to have to go through this to help someone else? She also went on to tell me that God shapes us through our lives like a jagged rock that needs polishing to become perfectly round and shiny. Only He knows what we can truly become. Like a refiner's fire to make metal...it goes through much change, heat, pounding from tools. The rock and the metal go through difficult molding processes to make them what their maker's know they can become. I was upset about this too. Little old me? Being shaped in, what I felt was, a harsh way. I didn't want to be shaped and molded and tried. I didn't think it was fair for me to have to go through it. It was too painful. I didn't feel like I was strong enough to handle it.

But God knew I was.

Here I am years later. Everything I've gone through has changed me. I hardly recognize who I was. So young, so naive, so ... closed off to this world that affects so many (the infertility world if you didn't know what I was talking about). I look at our wedding pictures and just think, wow, you have NO idea what's headed your way. And good thing too, because not knowing about it until it hit and not knowing how long the hardest parts would last are probably a blessing in themselves.

So 'what if' my body didn't have the issues it had? 'What if' my first and 2nd pregnancies hadn't been miscarried? I'd have an almost 6 year old and an almost 4 year old. And who knows what else, maybe we'd be done having kids. But where does that leave Ella? I don't think I'd have her, or not the Ella that I have now, a different version. And those other babies just weren't meant to be, I really believe that. Our family is just how it's meant to be. We're happy. Happy-that's something that was hard to grasp 6 years ago in the midst of my confusion and pain and frustration and loneliness and..... everything.

Turns out my mom is pretty wise (of course), I have been able to help a couple of people, which ended up coming back to help myself (oddly enough). I've been lucky enough to meet some pretty amazing people through my struggles too.

Perfectionism: my disease?

This is what prompted me to blog. Ever since I saw it yesterday I've had a nagging feeling I needed to write.


This is true in so many ways, and as I put on my Facebook, it should read more like "All of us can't look good, it's the humans or the house." In my perfectionism I have to make sure people realize my family is part of me, and how they look and act seems to be a reflection on my abilities as a wife and mother.
I've been a perfectionist my whole life. Jer's been working with me since we got married, however, to make allowances for myself for not being 'perfect enough', or striving so much for perfection that it causes me ridiculous stress, especially when things aren't 'just so'. Learning to be ok when I don't have control has been difficult, especially with our unexplained infertility. I don't have what I expected for a 'perfect family' or a 'perfectly working body', but it has to be ok because I have no control over it.
Back to the meme... the looking good encompasses so many things in my mind, this isn't about me being superficial. Laundry done: to have clean clothes to look presentable. Dishes done: so we can eat food to stay healthy and strong. Exercise: to be healthy for my family and attractive for my husband. Clean(ish) bathrooms: so we can get clean and ready for the day in a clean setting. Weeded front yard: so we have a presentable looking house, even if it is just on the surface. Clean(ish) kitchen: so we can have a clean place to get our food. Doing all of these things takes time and energy, some things (maybe a lot) fall to the wayside on occasion.
The clutter and the crumbs, the sticky spots and the piles of toys mean someone lives here and has a busy life. It has to. If I were my friend I'd give allowances for her not having the 'perfect house' because both parents work and there's a busy 3 year old living there. If it were spic and span (where did that phrase even come from?) all the time then I'd be impressed, but think to myself 'how is that even possible? This can't be normal or healthy'.
I'm doing the best I can, but I'm extremely hard on myself. I don't have dinner ready every night for my family, I don't have a spic and span house, I don't have the energy to go on adventures every day with my daughter. BUT (this is something Jer keeps pounding into my head) I work (and get tired easily, as well as having a weaker immune system), we have a 3 year old (who is a master mess maker and can't clean too many things yet), Jer is in school (and as many people know, the king of creating clutter and piles of stuff). I HAVE to give myself allowances.

But then, my perfectionism starts in on me (in a nasty tone, of course)... '"Your house should be cleaner, you don't have as many kids as everyone else, you don't work as much as some people. You should have dinner ready every night, why can't you even do that-it's not THAT hard. You should take your daughter out to do something almost every day, you're being a lame, bad parent for not. You should have the backyard perfect as well as the front yard, just because you have weak wrists doesn't mean you can't take care of it. Jer works too, why can't you get EVERYTHING done ALL the time, you're home anyway." I could continue, but you get the point.
It's mean, right? I look at that and think 'I would NEVER talk (or think those things) to anyone else like that, why am I so rude and judgmental to myself?'
So, every day, I struggle. Some days the perfectionism wins and I feel awful, and some days being nice to myself and making allowances wins. I'm not perfect, and that's ok.

Liebster Award

I was nominated for a Liebster Award by my friend Katie, who crazily enough, I've known since we were about 12!
Anyway, Liebster is German for "favorite", and I'm a little surprised that I got it, especially considering I don't blog very often!
Along with the Award are some tasks:
1. Post 11 random things about myself.
2. Answer the 11 questions my nominator set for me.
I'm supposed to do 3-5(below) as well, but I'm still sick and have a bit of a fuzzy brain, so I'm skipping this part. If you read this and want to do it, then go ahead and consider yourself nominated, you should be awarded with something just for the fact that you still read my blog in the first place.
3. Create 11 questions for my nominees.
4. Nominate 11 other bloggers with fewer than 200 followers (no tag-backs).
5. Go to each of their blogs to tell them about their nominations.

So here are my Random Facts:
1. How old were you when you got your first kiss, or alternatively, how old were you when you first thought you were "in love" with someone?
My first kiss was when I was 16. He went and asked my friend to Prom right after, nice guy, huh?

2. What is your favorite color for a front door?
I've never really thought about this, but I really like red doors when I see them (as long as they match the house they're attached to).

3. What song are you slightly embarrassed to admit you love?
Hmm... "Butterfly" by CrazyTown. I used to love that song. Now that I'm older I realize how...not so good it is.

4. If you could do anything you wanted for a day, what would that be?
Eat chocolate and sleep.

5. What fictional character are you in love with?
Will Tippen (Bradley Cooper's character) from "Alias" (I've been watching it on Netflix lately).

6. With whom are you most likely to argue... and least likely to argue?
Most likely to argue with Ella (which is ridiculous, I know). Least likely to argue with my mom, we've always gotten along really well.

7. What is your favorite holiday, and why?
Independence Day. I love the parties that are associated with it, the weather is nice, everyone's in a good mood because it's summer, the fireworks are fun (unless it's a week night and the neighbors are setting them off at midnight), and we're celebrating our country's history and freedom!

8. What is your favorite thing you have created yourself?
I'd say Ella, but I wasn't the only one that had something to do with that...
I really like some of the decor crafts I've done at Super Saturday. I really love a picture of the Mt. Timponogos Temple that I made a frame for. Also, I really love the baked goods I make that turn out really tasty :)

9. What was your favorite toy as a child?
I'm not sure, but I think it was the sit'n'spin. I wish I had an adult-sized one.

10. What is something that you'd like to improve?
Patience. My health. Being a more fun mom.

11. What act of service might you perform for a total stranger?
Hold a door open, give a compliment, pick up an unnoticed dropped item.

The wave

I've been debating if I should write about this or not. I don't want to come off ungrateful, rude, insensitive, too sensitive, whiney, etc. but this has been weighing on me and I'm hoping writing about it will get it out of my head. And besides, it's not like that many people actually read my blog.

The wave is upon us. The wave of pregnancy announcements, that is. They're all around me. Friends, family, neighbors, acquaintances. Everywhere I look someone is announcing a new baby. It's very exciting, I'm truly happy for them (ok, most of them). But it's also very depressing. People are on their 2nd pregnancies since I had Ella. Yes, SECOND pregnancy and she's almost 3. I'm jealous. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I'm trying to stay brave and count my blessings. I'm so incredibly grateful for Ella, don't get me wrong, but she's at the point where she needs a sibling, and I'm feeling like someone is missing from my heart.
I know there are so many others that don't have what I have, I hurt for them as well, and it makes me feel bad, almost greedy, to want another baby so badly when they are working so hard just to have one. I know how that feels, I was there once.
There's not much anyone can do to help me. The announcements just sting, especially when it's from people 'close' to you and you aren't given the courtesy of a heads-up, instead you're blind-sided by the news from someone who should have had the decency and known to let you know so the public announcement wouldn't hurt as much. Strangely when those courtesy heads-up notes are given, the announcement doesn't hurt as much, or at all.
Now, I don't mean for people to start walking on eggshells around me, but here's a tip: if you're pregnant and have a close friend who is having infertility problems (even if they pretend to be ok), PLEASE give them the courtesy of a heads-up before you make your big announcement on Facebook, in a public gathering, or wherever. It might be hard, but it could save your relationship and gain you respect for doing so.
Obviously this is a hot topic for me. I've had a bad couple of weeks. On top of finding out I'm still not pregnant after my pills gave me all the symptoms, I'm waiting to find out if I have glaucoma. I'm trying not to worry about that, but it scares me to think I may have to be on meds the rest of my life so I don't go blind.

Well, now that's out in the open hopefully I'll feel a little lighter. And hopefully I haven't offended anyone, I'm not especially good with the whole 'written-word' thing.

Pinterest & Breakfast

I've decided to start documenting the things I've tried from Pinterest. There will be some entries that won't have pics because I don't always take shots of everything I do :/
FYI-The title of each thing I try will be linked to the site with the recipe.

I'll start with Apple Breakfast Rings
I didn't make them with the recipe shown, I just used the idea and went from there. We loved them. I accidentally cooked them without the cinnamon, but they were really yummy without it (and awesome with). The apples don't get completely cooked through, just a little tender. I made a basic pancake batter, cut up 1 apple for the 'test' and made regular pancakes with the remaining batter. Mine ended up looking more pancake-y than the ones on the website, too.
I will be making these again, I suggest you try them out as well!

Next up:
Chocolate Swirl Biscuits
I made these with my little helper, they took much longer than expected but were still tasty. I had to keep reminding myself they were BISCUITS, therefore flaky and not very sweet. I baked them for the shortest time given, but I think I'd take a minute or two off of that as they seemed a bit too crunchy. Also, chopping chocolate takes awhile, and it gets a little messy, so be prepared for that if you want to try this recipe out.

I hope this was helpful, let me know if you have questions or suggestions, etc!

'THAT' question

You know, the one the comes up after this,
"How old is your daughter now?" says a random person
"Over 2 now" we answer.
Then comes 'THAT' question...
"When are you going to have another one?"

I have to add here that since we moved 2 years ago, most people don't know everything we went through to get Ella. I can't be offended by people being curious, unless it's coming from someone who DOES know better (which, of course, HAS happened).

Back to the 'conversation'...
Our answer, every time (without even talking about it with each other) is:
"Whenever Heavenly Father sends one down".
It's not up to us, never really has been. We're doing what we can, talked to the Dr., I'm taking the pills I need to when I need to. We'll get our next baby when we're supposed to, I/we have faith in that.

So, if you're one of the curious people out there, now you have your answer and we'll all be in limbo for a bit together.

Cruise 2012!

Our cruise was only over a month ago, I'm not THAT behind, right ?;) At the end of Feb. we dropped Ella off with my parents (who had her for half the time, then passed her on to Jer's parents, she was spoiled while we were gone, and the grandparents had withdrawals when we came back!) and drove to Cali with some friends to cruise on the Carnival Splendor. We had an AWESOME time! But I missed my girl. I looked at pictures and video of her to get my "Ella fix" for the day. We had a day at sea, 2 days in Cabo, 1 day in Puerto Vallarta, and 2 more days at sea. I wouldn't recommend days at sea unless you're in a group that can entertain you!

We didn't spend ALL our time with them, but those days at sea were so much more fun than I expected. In Cabo we spent our days shopping and lounging on the beaches

A little love on Lover's Beach

How do you like my Henna tattoo?

Such a weird name for a jewelry store! In Puerto Vallarta we found a tour guide, Oscar, who took us for the entire day and drove us to the Eden Canopy Tour It's where the movie "Predator" was filmed (not that I've seen it). It's gorgeous there, and zip-lining across the valley between the mountains was amazing! Jer and I are both afraid of heights, but this was so much fun and the rain forest below was gorgeous. We recommend Puerto Vallarta if you're ever down there. We wished the cruise would have been there for 2 days and only 1 day in Cabo. It's such a beautiful town, very clean and organized, and the sellers aren't pushy like they are in Cabo. We joked with our friends that we should buy a little vacation house down there.

Formal nights were fun too. I don't have the chance to get all dressed up and fancy very often (not that I'm very fancy here), but since the cruise was a week long, we got to dress up twice!

Since my birthday was right before we went on the cruise, they surprised me with (another) dessert and sang to me!

Can't forget about our super nice waiter Marion, from our talks, that job wouldn't be very easy if you got a bunch of jerks that you had to deal with every single night, eek!

Ella had another birthday!

I'm so behind in posting anything that's been going on, but I thought I'd start with Ella's birthday! She turned 2 on March 26th! We didn't do anything big (like last year). We just had the grandparents over for cake and presents and Ella seemed to be fine with that. She was so cute and confused when we sang to her, I just LOVE this girl! I have video of it, but I can't figure out how to load it :( She knows the letter's sounds, she counts with me sometimes, she loves to jump on the bed and climb on and off the toilet. She's got major attitude and throws a couple of tantrums a day. She talks a ton and loves to be my little helper (even though what she does usually isn't exactly helpful). She knows I like to cuddle, so she's become the little manipulator with that. At bed time when we're trying to put her in her crib, she'll start saying "no, I wanna cuddle with mommy on couch, cuddle mommy on couch". It's hard to say no to her, but we do most of the time. It's also super adorable when she says, "hold you? hold you?" makes me feel so loved. She gives wonderful big hugs with her cute little arms. She likes butterfly, Eskimo, and fishy kisses. She likes to take my drinks as her own, then share sips with me :) I don't know what I'd do without her in my life!

As you can see, she enjoyed her birthday cupcakes, and made sure to lick the ones she wasn't holding so no one else would eat them! She got some great gifts this year too: From her Auntie RaKell she got a cute swimsuit and cover up, some fun books, butterfly stuff, and bubble stuff. It's been so windy we haven't been able to play with the bubbles, but she keeps reminding me about them every day! From her Keller grandparents she got a hand-made apron (in the picture) and some fleece hand-made squishy balls (my mom is so talented!) From her Thorne grandparents she got a magna-doodle (I think that's what it's called), a cute little dress, and some comb-looking blocks. From us she got an activity table (in the picture), some jammies, and some Sesame Street books (she's a big fan of Elmo all of a sudden). Happy Birthday little girl, but please stop growing up so fast!!

I'm sorry for the weird alignment of my posts, I write them one way, but they publish all together. Not sure how to fix that :/

My 'Appy' story

I'm mostly writing this so I don't forget what happened. It's probably not going to be a super interesting post, and there aren't going to be any pics. You've been warned. I had my appendix removed last night, and it's not even what was causing my pain. Here's the story. It all began Tues. afternoon when I was driving home from my sister-in-law's. We'd had a fun pizza lunch with one of my other sisters-in-law, all our kids, and my mom. Afterward, as I neared my parent's house (to drop off my mom), I started to get pains in my lower abdomen, they progressively got worse after I left my parent's and headed home. I was white-knuckled towards the end, and when I pulled in the garage I called Jer to come out and get Ella because the pain was so bad. I could barely breathe and move. I went inside and laid down for about an hour and a half and the pain seemed to lessen so I got up to rejoin my little family. The pain started back up again, which made it hard to hold Ella because she kept pushing right where it hurt most. We did our bed-time routine and Jer had to do most of it since I couldn't move very well, which broke my heart because Ella kept reaching and asking for me :( After she was in bed I realized we needed to go somewhere to figure out what was wrong, so Jer called his mom to come over and 'watch' Ella while we went to Urgent Care or the ER. We ended up going to the ER at the U of U medical center in Daybreak because it's so close. Luckily we did because Urgent Care wouldn't have had the testing stuff we needed. We got there around 8:30 and the waiting room was empty, so we signed in and were taken to a room. The Dr. came in and asked a bunch of questions and pushed on my stomach. They put in an IV with fluids and pain meds in it (after 2 tries, ouch), did a pregnancy test (negative), an ultra-sound, x-rays, and a CT Scan. First thing they ruled out was a tubal pregnancy (which I was a little afraid it would be), the other things they thought it might be was my appendix or an ovarian cyst burst (which doesn't leave any evidence after bursting). I had a fever of 101. They found that I had fluid in my lower abdomen, and couldn't see all of my appendix. After awhile they decided they'd better send me to a hospital where there were surgeons and more equipment on hand at that time of night, so we headed to the U of U Hospital in SLC around 1 a.m. Even though I was in pain, I was just wishing we hadn't even gone and that I was still home in bed, I was feeling SO awful. We could have taken an ambulance to the hospital, but for some reason I just really felt like we shouldn't, so Jer drove us. The U has an awesome network and staff, we just handed them my papers and they took us directly to a room. There was a lot of waiting around, but it wasn't like we had anything else to do. I saw a bunch more Dr's and surgical teams and Gyno teams, all trying to help us figure out what was wrong. I was more thirsty than I think I've ever been, but I couldn't have any water or ice because they didn't know if I'd need surgery. They did another ultrasound on me, trying to see more of my appendix but they couldn't. All they could figure was that it was only slightly enlarged, not enough for it to be appendicitis. After more waiting they put me in an extension of the ER. My parents stopped by and my dad and Jer gave me a blessing. They left and there was more waiting so Jer went home for awhile to do some stuff. While he was gone the surgeons came in and suggested that they go ahead and do surgery so they could take a look around inside to see what the problem could be, and they'd take out my appendix no matter what. This freaked me out and I was crying (because Jer wasn't with me and they'd just given me more pain meds which made me super emotional and I didn't want surgery because I knew that would limit how I could care for Ella). I waited to make the decision when Jer got back and we figured it would be better to be safe than sorry. I went down to get prepped for surgery around 7 p.m. and came out around 9. Everything went well, they didn't find anything wrong. My appendix even looked fine, but it was removed anyway. I was wheeled to a room where we could settle in for the night. I had cuff/sleeve things on my calves that would fill up with air and let it out to keep from clotting, and a breathing apparatus to make sure I didn't get pneumonia. After I got comfortable, I made a list for Jer and sent him home so he could get some good sleep and bring me my stuff in the morning. And FINALLY I was able to eat. Starting with water, jello, and crackers, then some toast. It had been 32 hours since I'd eaten and what a relief it was to finally get food in my stomach again. And luckily it didn't make me sick. I didn't sleep very well, kept waking up about every hour through the night, but my pain was more under control so that made a difference. They brought me French toast and a banana for breakfast. I swear the toast had pepper on it, it was odd. The nurses took good care of me all through the night, and after the shift change my new nurses were just as nice (which if you've read/heard any of my other surgery stories, this is a big deal). Jer came back and brought my stuff so I could feel more human (my own jammies, deodorant after a paper towel bath, and a ponytail holder). We took a couple of slow walks through the halls to help my circulation, and he napped while we waited for me to be released. They brought me a surprisingly tasty lunch of grilled chicken caesar salad, roll, tapioca, and a chocolate. I had a lot of messages on FB and texts expressing concern and asking if we needed help, it was so nice of so many people to care and worry. I was released around 1:30 and am so happy to be home, though it felt weird at first after being gone so much longer than we thought I'd be. I miss my baby, but she's better off for right now being where she can be held and taken better care of than I can give in my condition. I've never been away from her for this long before. So, it wasn't my appendix, but if I ever get pains like this again, we know what it isn't from, so that will narrow it. I'm thinking it was an ovarian cyst burst, but I have no idea since I've never had one, but what else could have brought on such awful, intense lower abdominal pain? Hopefully I won't have it again and won't have to worry about it. It's interesting when these kinds of things happen to find out just how much people care. My next door neighbor made us some yummy soup for dinner, and lots of people have offered to help with Ella or anything else I might need. It means a lot, especially since I know they're being sincere (I've known far too many people who were all talk, but didn't ever mean it). My father-in-law was so concerned he kept calling my mother-in-law yesterday about what was going on (he was out of town), then stopped by tonight with flowers and chocolate and to check on me. It's overwhelming to feel so cared about. Thank you everyone, it really means a lot to me!

December Happenings 2011

I had the urge to write in the blog, but I didn't really want to just go over our Christmas activities. But since that's all I can think of, that's what I'll do (I'm not too original). December is usually such a busy month, this year was no different. We even had to skip ice skating with Jer's family (which we've never missed) because my family party was already planned. We went ice skating and to a big party with some of our friends. (me, Meredith, Lisa)

(Jer (has a mustache because of a work thing, we know it's creepy looking!), Dave, Matt)

(me, Ashley, Sexy Santa, Lisa, Meredith)

I went to see one of our friends in "The Nutcracker", it was my very first time seeing it! So cute! (me, Ashley, Lisa)

We had other friends come in town that we haven't seen in awhile and got to spend time with them. We got yummy goodies from neighbors, and gave out cute magnetic list paper (because it doesn't make you gain weight). With Jer's family, we had a Polar Express party, which was fun as usual. Along with watching part of the movie, having hot cocoa, and a sock/snowball fight, the kids also got to decorate their grandparents as Christmas trees. They were good sports and the kids had a good time with it. (Don't tell that I posted the pic!)

We also had a visit from Auntie Claus, but we didn't have our camera :( We got a cool melon cutter, and Ella got some activity packets and toys, and a cute little outfit. My family Christmas party included yummy food (everyone brought something healthy this year!), singing, chatting, games, white elephant exchange, and the live nativity. It's crazy how many kids there are now that all us cousins are getting married and having kids of our own.

Christmas Eve was the annual party at Jer's aunt's house. We had yummy food, a white elephant exchange, and a visit from Santa!

Christmas morning we opened presents and went to church. Ella loved the kitchen Santa brought her!

For New Year's, we made plans with some of our friends. We went to Harvest Restaurant at Thanksgiving Pointe for dinner (yum). (Matt, Meredith, me, Jer, Mike, Ashley, Lisa, Dave)

After dinner we went to our friend's house where I made warm melting cakes. (not sure what Jer's laughing at here)

We played a game, chatted, had a countdown, and drank sparkling cider. It was such a fun night spent with some fun people. And I forgot to mention, one of my friends gave Ella her very first haircut a couple days before Christmas. I don't know if you can tell, but it's pretty shaggy in some of the pics from before the cut. She has bangs now and she's looking so much more like a little girl.

Catch up

So much has happened and I haven't done any blogging :( And now I'm finally getting around to it :) In October we went on a family vacation with Jer's family. We headed down to San Diego to check out the Zoo, Legoland and SeaWorld and had SO much fun! We also stopped at the La Jolla Sprinkles Cupcakes, and the San Diego Temple (my favorite of all the temples, but I've never been able to see in person until now!) While we were there, we had our 6th anniversary. We weren't able to celebrate til a couple weeks after we got home though (Ella had her first sleepover while we went to dinner, a movie, and out for dessert). The Zoo was HUGE, we walked over 5 miles that day checking out all the awesome animals!

Hey, it's Rafiki from "The Lion King"!

She wasn't too thrilled about this photo op!

I thought this was a kind of fox, but it's not. It's a panda! The coloring is so pretty!

I could watch the gorillas (and monkeys and orangutans) all day, they're so fascinating!

On to Legoland!

They had a lot of rules and were SUPER strict about a lot of them (like if a kid was barely a centimeter too short for a ride, they couldn't go on it). The ride that we went on here they wouldn't let 2 adults ride together, and Ella was too little to go on it (which seemed odd, I mean I have a lap and there was plenty of room next to me). So we waited in line for awhile to find out we couldn't even ride together. I suggest skipping most of the rides here and just checking out all the cool Lego creations instead!

Sleeping Beauty in the Fairytale Land ride

Yay for Hagrid and Harry Potter!

This was awesome. They had the car frame underneath and built the Legos around it!

What's San Francisco without a little homage to "Full House"?

I'm not big into Star Wars, but they had a whole section full of scenes from the movies, pretty cool for fans of them. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cURD8wJfNww HAD to post this video of Ella fighting sleep, so cute!

On to SeaWorld!

So crazy how the glass and water can distort how you see things, the dolphin's head is above the water and to the right of it's body!

One of these is not like the other. Cool fact about starfish: If they lose a 'leg', sometimes when it regenerates, 2 grow back instead of one!

Being silly at the hotel

At the BEAUTIFUL temple!

Ella was making sure she was clear on the safety protocol! Phew, that's a lot of pictures! I'll post soon about the holidays. Hope you have a WONDERFUL December!