Dear you,

This has been swirling in my head for quite some time. I haven't known quite how to put it into words, so bear with me.

Dear infertility battler,
Believe it or not, I know the feelings you're having when you see all the bellies at the store and when you're out and about. I know the pain it causes, I know the jealousy it incites, I know the feeling of despair and hurt and 'why can't that be me' it brings on. I know how your eyes sting with tears, your heart aches and your throat tightens. I've been in your shoes, even if not in your exact way. Even though it doesn't look like it at all from what my life is now. I know the feeling of guilt for being angry at total strangers for something they have no control over.

When I've been pregnant, I'm always self-conscious. Not because of what you'd think though. It's because I'm aware that everywhere I go, there will most likely be someone who is hurt by my presence. I hate knowing that I cause that hurt. I have been on that side of things. I know I can't control other's reactions, but I know when you're suffering with infertility, it's hard not to have certain reactions to pregnant people.

Which leads to this...

Dear pregnant lady,
It's great that you're pregnant. Congratulations! Really. I hope you realize what a gift you have growing inside of you. I hope you know how many people pray for and spend thousands upon thousands of dollars to get what you have. I hope you won't publicly complain too much about cankles and getting fat. I hope I didn't scare you with my frustrated gaze. It's just that I've wished for what you have for such a long time. I'm working on my reaction, but it's painful to see something I've been working and praying for on so many other women.

Since having infertility, I am hyper-aware of people around me. I don't know their stories or what they've been through. I try not to be jealous of pregnant women in situations when we've been trying for over a year to get what they have. After all, I don't know their story, maybe they're growing a little miracle themselves or maybe it's a surprise baby #7. It shouldn't matter though, all babies are special and miracles and something to be celebrated. I know when I am pregnant I'm even more aware of those around me. I'm aware that my appearance can be hurtful, so much so that I almost feel guilty for my miracle, even though I shouldn't. I try extra hard not to complain and extra hard not to sound boastful. But all that care makes it hard to be very celebratory when I have every right to do so.

I'm not quite sure how/where I fit in the infertility community now. I will struggle with infertility for as long as I'm in my child-bearing years, but because I have 2 children now I don't exactly fit that mold. I guess maybe I've graduated from it, but I'll still be a visiting alumnus when we try for another?

I'm not sure what good this post will do, but I felt like I needed to write it. So there it is.
*Also, we're not making an announcement, this is just my viewpoint from those different times in my life.

Reflections...What if

'What if' usually gets people into trouble. 'What if' can bring up painful memories. But, 'what if' can also remind you where you came from.

I was pondering a 'what if' recently. About 6 years ago I had my first uterine surgery. My world was completely upside down and whirling around me full of things I didn't expect. I was going on a journey I had NEVER expected to go on, one that will be continuous probably beyond my child-bearing years. One that has been ... difficult in many ways. My mom told me one time on the phone (when I called her upset and crying about how unfair everything was), that maybe I was going through this to help others. I was hurt and offended. Maybe I don't want to help others with this, how unfair for ME to have to go through this to help someone else? She also went on to tell me that God shapes us through our lives like a jagged rock that needs polishing to become perfectly round and shiny. Only He knows what we can truly become. Like a refiner's fire to make metal...it goes through much change, heat, pounding from tools. The rock and the metal go through difficult molding processes to make them what their maker's know they can become. I was upset about this too. Little old me? Being shaped in, what I felt was, a harsh way. I didn't want to be shaped and molded and tried. I didn't think it was fair for me to have to go through it. It was too painful. I didn't feel like I was strong enough to handle it.

But God knew I was.

Here I am years later. Everything I've gone through has changed me. I hardly recognize who I was. So young, so naive, so ... closed off to this world that affects so many (the infertility world if you didn't know what I was talking about). I look at our wedding pictures and just think, wow, you have NO idea what's headed your way. And good thing too, because not knowing about it until it hit and not knowing how long the hardest parts would last are probably a blessing in themselves.

So 'what if' my body didn't have the issues it had? 'What if' my first and 2nd pregnancies hadn't been miscarried? I'd have an almost 6 year old and an almost 4 year old. And who knows what else, maybe we'd be done having kids. But where does that leave Ella? I don't think I'd have her, or not the Ella that I have now, a different version. And those other babies just weren't meant to be, I really believe that. Our family is just how it's meant to be. We're happy. Happy-that's something that was hard to grasp 6 years ago in the midst of my confusion and pain and frustration and loneliness and..... everything.

Turns out my mom is pretty wise (of course), I have been able to help a couple of people, which ended up coming back to help myself (oddly enough). I've been lucky enough to meet some pretty amazing people through my struggles too.

The wave

I've been debating if I should write about this or not. I don't want to come off ungrateful, rude, insensitive, too sensitive, whiney, etc. but this has been weighing on me and I'm hoping writing about it will get it out of my head. And besides, it's not like that many people actually read my blog.

The wave is upon us. The wave of pregnancy announcements, that is. They're all around me. Friends, family, neighbors, acquaintances. Everywhere I look someone is announcing a new baby. It's very exciting, I'm truly happy for them (ok, most of them). But it's also very depressing. People are on their 2nd pregnancies since I had Ella. Yes, SECOND pregnancy and she's almost 3. I'm jealous. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I'm trying to stay brave and count my blessings. I'm so incredibly grateful for Ella, don't get me wrong, but she's at the point where she needs a sibling, and I'm feeling like someone is missing from my heart.
I know there are so many others that don't have what I have, I hurt for them as well, and it makes me feel bad, almost greedy, to want another baby so badly when they are working so hard just to have one. I know how that feels, I was there once.
There's not much anyone can do to help me. The announcements just sting, especially when it's from people 'close' to you and you aren't given the courtesy of a heads-up, instead you're blind-sided by the news from someone who should have had the decency and known to let you know so the public announcement wouldn't hurt as much. Strangely when those courtesy heads-up notes are given, the announcement doesn't hurt as much, or at all.
Now, I don't mean for people to start walking on eggshells around me, but here's a tip: if you're pregnant and have a close friend who is having infertility problems (even if they pretend to be ok), PLEASE give them the courtesy of a heads-up before you make your big announcement on Facebook, in a public gathering, or wherever. It might be hard, but it could save your relationship and gain you respect for doing so.
Obviously this is a hot topic for me. I've had a bad couple of weeks. On top of finding out I'm still not pregnant after my pills gave me all the symptoms, I'm waiting to find out if I have glaucoma. I'm trying not to worry about that, but it scares me to think I may have to be on meds the rest of my life so I don't go blind.

Well, now that's out in the open hopefully I'll feel a little lighter. And hopefully I haven't offended anyone, I'm not especially good with the whole 'written-word' thing.