The wave

I've been debating if I should write about this or not. I don't want to come off ungrateful, rude, insensitive, too sensitive, whiney, etc. but this has been weighing on me and I'm hoping writing about it will get it out of my head. And besides, it's not like that many people actually read my blog.

The wave is upon us. The wave of pregnancy announcements, that is. They're all around me. Friends, family, neighbors, acquaintances. Everywhere I look someone is announcing a new baby. It's very exciting, I'm truly happy for them (ok, most of them). But it's also very depressing. People are on their 2nd pregnancies since I had Ella. Yes, SECOND pregnancy and she's almost 3. I'm jealous. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I'm trying to stay brave and count my blessings. I'm so incredibly grateful for Ella, don't get me wrong, but she's at the point where she needs a sibling, and I'm feeling like someone is missing from my heart.
I know there are so many others that don't have what I have, I hurt for them as well, and it makes me feel bad, almost greedy, to want another baby so badly when they are working so hard just to have one. I know how that feels, I was there once.
There's not much anyone can do to help me. The announcements just sting, especially when it's from people 'close' to you and you aren't given the courtesy of a heads-up, instead you're blind-sided by the news from someone who should have had the decency and known to let you know so the public announcement wouldn't hurt as much. Strangely when those courtesy heads-up notes are given, the announcement doesn't hurt as much, or at all.
Now, I don't mean for people to start walking on eggshells around me, but here's a tip: if you're pregnant and have a close friend who is having infertility problems (even if they pretend to be ok), PLEASE give them the courtesy of a heads-up before you make your big announcement on Facebook, in a public gathering, or wherever. It might be hard, but it could save your relationship and gain you respect for doing so.
Obviously this is a hot topic for me. I've had a bad couple of weeks. On top of finding out I'm still not pregnant after my pills gave me all the symptoms, I'm waiting to find out if I have glaucoma. I'm trying not to worry about that, but it scares me to think I may have to be on meds the rest of my life so I don't go blind.

Well, now that's out in the open hopefully I'll feel a little lighter. And hopefully I haven't offended anyone, I'm not especially good with the whole 'written-word' thing.

Catch Up

It was brought to my attention, by my lovely friend and old roommate Becky, that I haven't blogged for awhile, and that I'd better get on it. I had no idea what to blog about, but after looking through the camera, I realized I had a little catching up to do, so here you go Becky, and any other fans I may have out there.

So awhile back I promised you a picture of my first attempt at a decorated cake, so here it is. It was winter themed, and I made a lot of really cute little intricate snowflakes and trees, but sadly most of them broke when I tried to move them, so I ended up with dots, star snowflakes, and swirls and a few little extras. Jer's family thought it looked great though, so that was enough for me. It was fun to make, and even more importantly, it tasted delicious.

Next up is the lunch I had with 2 of my old roommates from my first year at Snow College, Becky and FayLyn. FayLyn was in town from Michigan for the holidays and to bless her newest baby, so we hung out at her parent's house and had soup, crackers, Christmas goodies, and we chatted, and played with FayLyn's 2 cute little girls. Sadly our other roomies couldn't make it, one had just had a baby, one lives in Washington state, and the other one-well I think she might be back in Japan? Anyway, it was so fun to get together, even if it was just half of us. Here are a couple of old college pictures, and then the picture we took at the lunch more recently!
Cinnamon Roll Hug- Christal, Becky, Courtney, FayLyn, me, Melissa, Tarah and Ribekah


Becky pretending to be scary, and me pretending to be scared

me, FayLyn, and Becky

There's not any easy way to bring this next one up, and it's a very sad subject for us. The end of January we found out I was pregnant (yes, we took pictures, no, I'm not going to post them), we were so excited that the insemination had worked, but extremely nervous and cautious too. We wanted to keep it a secret til we got to 12 weeks, but we did tell a few people. It seemed things were going fine up until a couple weeks ago when I started spotting. We know this is a normal thing, but it made me nervous, so I had Jer give me a blessing (which left me waiting for something to happen), and did the 48 hr blood test to make sure my hcg levels were still rising. We found out that they were, and that they were high enough to check the heart. We went in for an ultrasound, but we weren't able to see anything. The Dr. wanted to see me a few days later to make sure the heart was actually there, so we went in Feb. 9 for another ultrasound where we found out the baby had stopped growing. I had a blighted ovum, meaning everything else was still growing (which is why my hcg levels were still rising), but the baby had essentially died. I was distraught at this news, but at the same time we were both expecting this to happen. The next day I went in for a D&C so the passing wouldn't become a problem. Jer's been really good about consoling me, but it's still been really difficult. That's now 2 miscarriages and 3 surgeries, I'm really hoping this is it for the heartache part because I can't handle any more. It's been hard enough trying to get back to normal from the surgeries, then not being able to get pregnant at all. Then we do get pregnant and this happens, I'm afraid this is the only ending I'll have whenever I'm pregnant. Anyway, we're ok, I'm just trying to get through this and lie low till I'm all healed up. Hopefully our next one will be successful (cross your fingers/pray for us). We're lucky to live where we do where we're surrounded by family and good friends to help us through. My beautiful flowers from my friend Denice are still blooming, and my cousin and his wife, Matt and Kate, brought us dinner and cookies the night of the D&C and helped cheer me up.

Sorry to end on a depressing note, but that's it for now. We hope you all had a good Valentine's day.